We Hate LA

Wise words

2011-11-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

The medical director at my work, Dr. Mark Ragins, sent out an email about a recent struggle over medication management. It was a lengthy email and some thoughts at the end I found rather touching and thought I'd widen its' audience:

• If you’re connected to might and action, you can use the power of force
• If you’re connected to relationships and connections, you can use the power of influence
• If you’re connected to security and reliability, you can use the power of trust
• If you are connected to empathy and compassion, you can use the power of love
• If you’re connected to communication and message, you can use the power of expression
• If you’re connected to knowledge and understanding, you can use the power of wisdom
• If you’re connected to the infinite and unknowable, you can use the power of grace
We see a lot of managers who complain they can’t make a staff they supervise do something and we see a lot of staff that complain that their supervisors are ordering them around. For both of them, I ask why they’re relying on the crudest level of power. Don’t they have any other sources of power available to them? Is their position so weak or their skills so low they have to use force, or are they just not actively considering other alternatives? This doesn’t just apply to supervisors or people with “positional leadership”. The Village uses a staff empowerment model so everyone has opportunities for leadership. There should be something everyone is the best at and should lead the rest of us in. There are opportunities to champion and lead projects. There are opportunities for advancement and leadership. There are opportunities for collaborative leadership in various committees. There are opportunities to be involved in training and community leadership. Everyone can look at a list of sources of power like this and evaluate how to enhance their power.

Amen.

2011-01-21T12:51:00.000-08:00

Give me faith and He gave me danger to teach me faith.
Give me patience and He gave me difficulty to develop patience.
Give me wisdom and He gave me problems so that I could find new solutions.
Give me finances and He gave me creativity for new ideas, a work ethic and compassion for others in want.
Give me love and He gave me people.

- David Hino

Word to that.

Amen.

Blessings

2010-12-31T09:39:00.000-08:00

Good lesson from one of my favorite co-workers today...

"Some people just don't know how to look at the blessings."

She was describing a situation a friend of hers was struggling with in which she had a NYE party she really wanted to go to that was out of town, but couldn't find a babysitter for her child. The friend explained that there was another party in the apartment community right where she lived, but that she just really wanted to go to this other party and was extremely disappointed that she wouldn't be able to. The friend said she was so upset that she hadn't heard back from the babysitter that she was crying the night before.

My wise co-worker got off the phone with her friend, described the conversation to me and then sighed, "Some people just don't know how to look at the blessings."

Her friend had a family-friendly party option right in her own backyard, but was too busy pouting to be thankful for it.

How often am I so focused on what I want, that I refuse to be grateful for what God has provided? I want the far-away thing. The glamorous option. And I'm so caught up in stomping my feet and throwing a fit because I can't attain it, that I can't see my proverbial forest for the trees.

Maybe it's time to stop straining to see what's over the horizon and check out the beauty I'm sitting in right now.

Thankful.

2010-11-27T14:38:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving weekend and my parents just left. I feel a little like the wind was taken out of my sails. I miss them already. It was so good to see family and just hang out for a few days. I don't think I realized how homesick I was.

Home being a people, not a place.

And I feel thankful. Definitely thankful.

Right now, our car has a blown head gasket and freeze plugs, work is really tough, we're still broke, and I'm working through some personal issues which make me feel raw and tired and vulnerable a lot of the time.

In the midst of each of these fires, I feel so grateful. Grateful for the trials. Grateful that I serve a God who loves me so much that He's willing to place me in his refiner's fire until all these impurities melt away.

To illustrate...
A couple of weeks ago, John asked how I was doing before church. I said something to the effect of feeling like I was being burned in the refiner's fire. After church, we were talking to our friends Rome and Aubrey. Rome started explaining - out of nowhere - how refining silver works. The refiner puts his silver into the flames and must watch it very closely because the metal has to reach just the right temperature to purify it. It has to stay in the flames long enough to melt away the impurities, but if it's left in the fire for too long, it will be destroyed. How does the refiner know when it hits that just-right spot? As he's carefully watching it, the moment he can see his own reflection in the metal, it's time to take it out of the fire. Rome looked into my eyes, right through to my soul and told me in no uncertain terms that my Refiner was watching me very closely and wouldn't let me stay in the heat a second later than was necessary.

(I hope you've experienced a conversation like that - one that is so obviously divinely appointed that you can't help but be overwhelmed by the experience.)

So see? How can I be anything but thankful? Our God loves each of us so much that He's willing to refine our character to reflect His own. He knows I can stand the heat because he created me and the furnace I stand in. He's watching to make sure I'm not overwhelmed by the flames. He's guiding and protecting me just like a good Father does. He doesn't allow me to walk around this earth in such bad shape that I become a poor example of His astounding love for all of us. He disciplines and forms me with great care, ensuring that while I may feel warm, I never get burned.

And in the end, I'll come out much more beautiful and useful than I went in.

Bad Day

2010-11-15T14:20:00.000-08:00

Today I had to pay $50 to get my car off of a tow truck. Said tow truck jostled around my car just enough that the slow water leak is now a very fast water leak.

We don't have money to fix this.

I'm trying to stay in a peaceful state of mind in which I remember how blessed I am. I have a car. I have a job that will allow me to work from home for the afternoon (and by "work", I mean "blog"). We have an amazing friend who's willing to try and help us fix the car for the cost of parts. It's just a car. It's just money. We're in the hands of a God who always provides.

And still, I want to sit and cry about having a bad day.

Okay, time to blog

2010-09-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

As indicated earlier by my wife, the ball has started to roll on the music front. This is good, beyond good; it's why we moved down to Long Beach in the first place. It's been a crazy but wonderful adventure thus far, but has seemed incomplete without progress in that area.

I guess it really started with hearing a number of friends and family telling me that I should be getting out more [musically speaking], but I had the easy excuse that I had 'already tried.' When I moved down here (2006), I tried everything I knew to do to get out there. It was conspicuously unfruitful. I managed to get a couple of students, which was great, but I lost those when the world economy crashed. So I had this classical training, great experience and skill, and ended up feeling 'all dressed up with nowhere to go.' It's a tough place to move from there. It may sound sort of silly, but the oppression of the dead end felt inescapable. I would make an occasional contact, but would fail to pursue it well because I believed the lie that it wouldn't happen, it couldn't happen, I wasn't good enough for it to happen.

Anyhow, just in the last six weeks or so, things have been changing greatly. I got picked up by an agent though a friend of mine. That necessitated recordings and head shots, a considerable expense. However, the head shots were completely taken care of by a professional photographer friend. I had a few old recordings from my conservatory recitals, which at least prove I have chops. I wanted to record some new stuff to demonstrate my versatility in various genres, as well as the misc. instruments I play (flute, Native American flute, penny whistle, etc.). So I search for a USB mic that will be appropriate enough to do some instrumental recording with. I go to a home recording web forum and poke around. They all slam USB mics, which I expect (latency and quality issues), but I find a couple that look like they'll do. For shiggles, I post this old clarinet I have that I haven't been able to sell. I don't expect anything to come of it. However, a fellow on there wants it for his studio, and is feeling generous and wants to help me. We do a trade for a very nice mic, and an interface to plug it into the computer (which can also do mixing & add other mics, guitars/basses/drums etc.). It's so much more than I was originally looking for. I got a mic stand and cable from a guy on Craigslist that lives about 5 blocks away. We meet and hit it off. He's been an audio engineer for years, a fun Christian dude, and I give him my card. He listened to my recordings (old conservatory stuff) and can't wait to work together. I was also invited to sit in with a band that does corporate gigs in and around LA (which is definitely 'nice work if you can get it'). Everything is aligning.

What really amazes me is the fact that all of this has come out of nothing. On the heels of my former business partner defrauding our company, it feels like I've had less to work with now more than ever. However, just taking the time to listen to God's call has pushed out the lies I've been listening to for years. Everything is coming together, and it's wonderful. The adventure continues on a new footing, and it couldn't be greater.

Need (Warning: this might be TMI)

2010-09-16T23:00:00.001-07:00

Life is exciting. John's music career is moving forward in huge ways, but I'll let him tell you about that. I'll just fill you in on my share of our world...

I feel that this season (so Christian-ese) of my life can be characterized by "need" - my undeniable need for my sweet Jesus. I have been struggling with some serious burn out. I didn't realize the full extent of what people meant by "burn out", specifically in my line of work, until now. I thought it was just kind of getting sick of the job. But boy howdy, is it so much bigger than that! It feels awful. REALLY awful.

I've had a few moments in the past couple of months in which I've completely broken down - prolonged ugly cries paired with an overwhelming feeling of a total lack of control. I've had SEVERAL days spent just completely exhausted trying to put one foot in front of the other. I now know what anxiety feels like. Real anxiety, not the "I've got a test tomorrow" easy stuff. And in the midst of this, I've noticed a shift in how I react to feeling bad - I get to this point where all these thoughts are racing through my head, but it's really hard to vocalize any of it. I sit there screaming in my head that I need help, but I don't know how to communicate that I want it or even what "help" would mean. Poor John is doing his best to be a support to me, but it's a tough job, particularly because our learned ways of communicating are so different.

I think this moment of crisis is largely fueled by my job along with a few home-life factors. In the last week at work, I was punched for the first time (don't worry, just grazed in the shoulder as I was trying - unsuccessfully - to break up a fight) and watched a drug addict hit what I hope is rock bottom. Not to mention the usual calls about my kids' personal crisis ranging from "I don't know how I'm gonna pay this light bill" to "I think I might want to kill myself". It's intense. Lots of people in my life have said that I have a gift for social work. They ask me how I do it and confess that they don't think they ever could. The truth is, I don't know if I can do it, either. I just feel this deep-rooted compassion for others. I see what I see in my line of work and my heart breaks and I have to do SOMETHING. It's also ruined me for other fields. I mean, how can I think about doing something like marketing or retail when I compare that to the sense of meaning I get from doing what I do? Then again, I see how jolly the people who work at Trader Joe's are and a career change doesn't seem like such a bad idea!

And here's why I started this post saying that I'm excited about life right now. Burn out is hard. HARD. HARD. HARD. But I've got a friend named Jesus whose name breaks chains called burn out and anxiety and stress. I'm recognizing through this how much I NEED my sweet and strong Jesus everyday. I'm still not good at that, but I've recognized the need in a very real way. I've also been blessed with many things in this season, like a job where self-care is encouraged, an insurance policy that covers unlimited therapy, a Christian therapist booked through a very secular organization, and a husband that is willing to stumble through the task of supporting his wife. Not to mention the fact that I've got space in my life to try and figure this out - I've got a bed to rest on, a roof to protect my head and an absence of things like kids that might completely overwhelm me. This has given me the opportunity to address issues that I probably wouldn't have otherwise which will make me a stronger and much more effective servant of God.

And in small moments, I'm able to rejoice in this trial because it means I'm growing. I know this isn't the hardest thing I'll ever have to deal with and I'm grateful to go through it now to make me more well-equipped to deal with the bigger stumbling blocks further down the road. My tools for ministry are being sharpened and it hurts so good. :-)

Reflections

2010-06-13T22:03:00.000-07:00

If we're not spending every ounce of our energy trying to catch a glimpse of our Creator and then reflect that image back to Him the best way we know how, then really - what's the point?

The Next Move

2010-01-31T13:45:00.000-08:00

We've been sharing a house with a family for about 5 months now and it turns out it's time to move. They're moving for good and would like to rent out the whole house now for a bit more than we can afford. So off to a new adventure!

We found an awesome apartment that we're really excited about in Long Beach's gayborhood. It's 2 blocks from the beach with awesome boutiques, restaurants and cafes within walking distance. My commute to work will be all of 2.5 minutes.

Sharing a place with a family has been a struggle in trying to communicate and define our own space. When you're living with parents, it's hard to feel like grown-ups - even if the parents aren't yours. But this place has been a great stepping stone to this new place. Had we not jumped on the chance to live in this house, I think we still would have been in the ghetto. We wouldn't have felt like we could move, but we now know that's a lie. We don't have to be stuck anywhere.

I think one of the most exciting parts of this new place is that it's not too dangerous or awkward to have people over. Both of us LOVE to have people over, but we haven't really been in a position to since we've been married. So come on over, everyone! We'll have a chat and I'll make you some food.

Yay. :-)

I can't sleep. Oh and it's John.

2010-01-19T01:22:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. It's ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as Brittany, the 9 year old my landlord sired, handling the cats in this house.

I know, I know, what the heck, right? Well, cats can take it, so calm down. Anyway, Brittany likes to tell me everything about the cats: what they're thinking, what they like and dislike, what their meows translate to, etc. So I was putting away groceries and notice Sophie (the tuxedo cat) sitting on the dining room table. She scares easy and I thought it would be fun to mess with her, so I go over and start petting her. Brittany is at the other end of the table. She sees me petting Sophie and gets jealous, so she starts calling the cat over. Sophie, assumably afraid of something like the picture above, leans into me a bit and starts meowing. Brittany tells me Sophie hates plastic bags and is likely freaking out on the inside that I'm holding one. I wad the bag into a ball and throw it hard onto the table in front of the cat. Both cat and girl flip

out. It was glorious. Brittany lunges over, grabs the cat [see above] and starts "comforting" her. She's stroking the cat rather forcefully saying, "It's okay Sophie, it's okay, I'm here, it's okay, that was a fake bag, don't worry, that was a fake bag..." Oh man, LOL to that.

Normally I try to blog when I have some sort of spiritual or life epiphany, as few in this world want to hear my discussions on what I ate for dinner or what child/animal I most recently messed with. Sadly, no profound moment has hit me in the face recently, which probably means I'm due for one, which sucks because those are often borne from life's rough spots. So I guess I'll share some mini-piphanies and musings from my head recently.

Common misconceptions about Christ and spirituality:

1. Touch is really, really important. Jesus spent His life healing people through touch, in doing so He broke down walls of community castigation and social rejection. He commanded his disciples to lay their hands on the sick. He didn't tell them to meet with them and pray. The direct command was to literally lay hands. A friend of mine recently witnessed a healing that was borne through prayer. This fellow was suffering from advanced cancer, and had people all over praying for him, but my friend administered prayer by laying his hands on the sick man and it changed everything. The cancer went into complete remission immediately. An amazing story, yes, but an amazing lesson as well. We need to be a lot more generous and liberal with touching. Kids are always touching, hugging, and holding hands. Maybe this is a small part of what Christ meant when He told us to come as little children. An innocent child isn't afraid to express love.

2. Jesus hated organized religion. Hated it. His ministry basically consisted of teaching people about God, healing the sick, and lambasting the religious elders. Jesus basically came down and told the Hebrews "you're doing it wrong!" He denounced the religious institutions, showed compassion and love to women, offered forgiveness and transformation to sinners, all in a culture that was rabidly religions, hyper-punitive, and sexist. I really like that. He didn't work with the religious institution, He worked in spite of it.

In conclusion, I guess my goal for 2010 should be to be more aligned with these mini-piphanies. If Jesus were to come speak to us today, would He be happy with how one's faith is generally determined by which building you go, which book you read, and how often? Would He be happy with us hiding behind comfort zones and meaningless sociological constructs of "personal space?" I think not. My faith needs to be lived outside of the church, where I can literally touch the lives of others.

Oh yeah, and we're moving! Another adventure awaits in LA. We're looking at a couple different places, and they're both places where I could meet more people just by milling about. Since I work from home, it can be a bit tough to meet new people, so this will be a nice change. I'm sure that can work in concert with these scary realizations I'm having.

One more thing, it's really storming. Look at this low-quality cell phone picture, you can see the sidewalk is completely under water!

torrents are made of communism

2009-11-14T23:42:00.000-08:00

I miss Santa Cruz. Northern California. Nature. Less Hollywood, less pressure, less self-obsession, less tragedy. We were talking about moving back and how both of us really want to but maybe it's not the right time. I want to be where outside smells good and the stars light up the night sky. Where the daytime sky is blue - not greyish brown.

Maybe I just want to run away. I got the official offer for the job, and I feel like I need to take it. It's the right thing to do - it'll look great on a resume, it's a huge step up on that career ladder, we could definitely use the money, and in all honesty, I'll probably get really bored in my current position sooner rather than later. And the "but" is that I'm dreading the freedom that will be taken away by the added stress and crappy schedule.

Buck up. I've got a great job in a shitty economy. That's good news.

And just to spread the humility around, let me tell you about my kids (and by "kids", I mean 18-25 year olds). I teach a spirituality class and a few weeks ago, asked them to write a letter to God. All of them wrote about how grateful they are for what God has done for them, for their lives, for waking up in the morning...

While I'm busy asking God for all kinds of things (idyllic childhood havin', educated privileged white woman that I am...), these kids are grateful for the worst lives I can imagine. You know those horrific stories about kids who grow up in the ghetto that you hear about on Oprah? One is 22 with a 6 year old by her father. One spent the last 4 years locked in a horrific mental hospital with abusive staff (think getting tied up and drugged while staff laughs) - and didn't break any laws to get there. One can't get out of the gang that caused the deaths of her best friend and brother. You get the idea.

And they are all grateful that God loves them, has changed them, and continues to protect them. How's that for a reality check?

The good bits at the end

2009-10-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

So we've moved into our new place and have been here for a solid month. The difference in the level of peace is amazing. It's not our perfect home, but it's a really great one in this moment. We've been able to have friends and family over, sleep more easily, take the trash out without being armed...

Ah. It's a breath of fresh air. We drove by our old place the other day and as the cops flashed their lights outside, we just felt this intense relief that we weren't going back - that we were driving right on past to a new place where we can rest. So good.

Things are changing.

I got an opportunity to move into a new position at my job. It would be full time and involve management and administrative responsibilities. A huge step up that will come with a huge step up in stress level as well. It's the equivalent of eating my vegetables because my current job is total ice cream. (Literally. I got paid to eat ice cream yesterday.)

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but whether I take the position or not, I feel that God is lighting a fire under my bum to not be complacent. I can take this position or really start pursuing grad school, but it's time that I move to that next level of productivity instead of just enjoying my 4 day weekends.

For the love of money

2009-08-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

I've been arguing with myself for the past month. Particularly as our big move gets even closer. I should be overjoyed at getting out of the ghetto - I've been praying for it for so long! And I am so excited about getting out.

And here's the but...

BUT, I feel so stressed out still! We've been attacked hardcore this whole month. And these last few weeks, it's hit us particularly hard in the pocketbook. We've had well over $2,000 in unexpected expenses come up this month. (My total monthly income is about half that.) Of all months. The month that we also have to figure out how to afford to move. So I'm feeling super stressed cause I don't know how we're going to come up with $1,300 by Saturday for our first month's rent and security deposit.

And that's the thing, too. We don't necessarily need to figure it out. We certainly haven't been paying our bills out of our own resourcefulness. God's been providing this whole time. Why am I having such a hard time relaxing and trusting that He'll provide this time?

To love is to serve

2009-08-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

So here's what's on my heart tonight:

Jesus showed us that loving means serving. He and His Father also said that loving means obeying. Jesus demonstrated through his life's work that the heart of God is serving the hungry, the widows, the orphans, the homeless, and the imprisoned. Anyone down on their luck or trampled on by society are the ones that we are commanded to show compassion to.

I'm leading the community service ministry at my church and it's honestly been a bit frustrating at times. There's a surprising amount of people I've encountered that say they are too busy, aren't skilled enough, or (my personal favorite) just don't feel like serving (although I do appreciate the latter's honesty). My initial reaction has been to get a little indignant. I mean, Jesus tells us pretty plainly that serving is what we should be doing. It's pretty unquestionably a requirement of anyone who claims to love Jesus.

And that's where my heart is starting to change. I've been praying for God to convict my church family. To make them realize how wrong it is to not serve. But what I should be praying is that they fall head over heels in love with Jesus.

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller (good book, btw). In it, he talks about his church and the awesome ministries they have (like feeding 100+ homeless teenagers every week). But the process by which these ministries come about is one that involves prayer, fasting, and seeking the face of the God they love.

I've realized that there's not a whole lot of point in being a warrior for social justice unless it comes from a place of loving Jesus so much that you are swept away into service for Him. When you love someone, you want to know what's important to them. You want to experience those things with them. Community service shouldn't come from a sense of obligation, but from a desire to show Jesus how much you love Him and live out that love.

So I feel like a jerk for looking down my nose at some of my church family because Jesus wasn't doing the same things in them that He was doing in me. I'm now quite certain He's been doing equally amazing - albeit different - things in their lives. And now I'm excited to pray that Jesus sweeps them off their feet and they love Him more and more everyday. Because I'm starting to see what that looks like and I can't help wanting everyone to see the humble love that Jesus offers. I want everyone to know what amazing fruit being joyfully inconvenienced for your Savior can bring.

Movin' on up!

2009-08-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

FINALLY!!!!!!

WOOHOO!!!!

We are moving the hell out of the ghetto!!!!!!!

So excited.

We got an opportunity to move into the top half of the home of one of the family's in our church. It's only a mile from where we're at now, but there's a million miles of difference in the neighborhood. We're going to have 2 bedrooms, a big bathroom (with 2 sinks!), and the small landing area that's upstairs. PLUS we'll have full access to downstairs where the kitchen, dining room and living room are AND there's a small backyard with a BBQ!!! All of that for a little less than what we're paying now.

I'm so excited to get out of here, but I have to admit, I'm not sure I really believe it yet. We've had several close calls on getting out of here, but obviously none of those panned out. I'm just trying to trust God that this is really what he has for us.

Weird story - within the first few months of us being down here, I was talking to one of my then-coworkers. I was complaining about living in the ghetto and saying how we were hoping to be out soon. His response? "Oh no, dude. You'll be there for at least three years. That's just the minimum for putting in your time in the ghetto." I told him to take it back. He didn't. He said it was just fact. When we move at the end of this month, we will have been in the ghetto for 1 week shy of three years. I guess our time is up!

Praise the Lord!

Catch Up or Ketchup or Catsup

2009-06-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

I just looked at the date of my last post and realized it's been quite a while. There's been a lot of revelation going on, but I haven't really been in the mood to write - and I'm not sure I am now, but feel like I should keep this thing going.

Things have really been looking up. A few weeks ago, I went on a women's retreat that was phenomenal. It transformed how I view myself - as a child of the most High God - not just a bump on the log we call Earth. Significantly, it also made me start to recognize that as God's child, I am not someone He will abandon, forsake or ignore. He is my daddy and has PROMISED me good gifts, a hope and a future. My inheritance is nothing short of the kingdom of God. Such a huge shift from just a few months ago when I was feeling so abandoned and like God either wasn't there or didn't like me very much. Like I had done something wrong (or not enough of something right) and was being punished for it. I now know that the truth of God's word (and therefore His character) is that He loves His children.

Also, things have been turning around on the financial front. Monumentally, July will be the first month we'll be able to pay rent on our own since last September! It's hard to believe that it's been nearly a year since we took what was already a crazy adventure and decided to dive head first into much more uncertain waters. I remember thinking what a great testimony our story will be when we're on the other side of it, and even though we're not out of the ghetto yet, we've already got our testimony. John spoke in church last Sunday and shared a powerful word. He told our church family that he can now attest with absolute certainty that God keeps his promises.

Man, we've been through it, but it feels good to be in a place of certainty. Not of where we'll be even a month from now, but of a good God that loves us and has great things in store for us.

Love song

2009-04-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

When I talked to Jesus today, He sang me a love song.

I've heard this song before and really like it. But as I heard it today (a bummer of a day), I heard God say, "What if I were singing these words to you?"

Hit me like a ton of bricks. Love bricks.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you
I'd go crawling down the aisle for you
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

PS - It's a Bob Dylan song, but I like Adele's version best.

Puberty

2009-04-16T23:24:00.001-07:00

I feel like a pubescent Christian. I'm all angsty and growing in places I've never grown before.

It's all getting clearer

2009-04-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

So John and I are in this discipleship group at church. I didn't really want to go at first because I was feeling a little burnt out on church stuff, but I'm so glad I have gone.

This evening we were talking about God's calling on our life - what "calling" actually means and the application of that definition in our lives. (The moral of the story is that we're called to be in relationship with God - anything else we do may be led/blessed/gifted by God, but it's not our ultimate calling or purpose in life.)

God revealed a couple of pretty profound things for me tonight. So profound, I thought I'd share them here in an effort to record them and spread the positivity around.

1. I'm a fighter and I don't need to be. The way I approach figuring out situations is often in a very combative manner. I tend to argue and challenge - God, friends, authority figures, etc. - until I figure out where I stand. It's not that I'm trying to fight, it's just that I want to know the answer and I won't stop asking questions or debating until I feel like I have an answer that's good enough to fit my standards. I often get frustrated if I feel like people aren't answering the question I'm asking, if I don't understand what they're trying to say, or if I feel they don't understand what I'm trying to say. I feel like God nudged me tonight and let me know that maybe I should just ask the question and listen to His answer before I get riled up. But maybe it's also good that I want to get to the root of the matter and am not satisfied with shallow answers.

2. I don't need to know what's next, I just need to know Him. I don't think I can express how earth shattering/worldview changing this was for me.
I finally admitted to myself recently that I'm not good with abstract things. I'd like to think of myself as a laid back person but have been described by several people as a "go getter". I don't really like that definition of myself but am realizing it's fitting. I really like to DO stuff. I like to go. I like tangible results. But I also really need parameters within which to work. I get really antsy and frustrated if I'm not able to define my role, goal, or trajectory. I generally don't care what any of these are, I just want to know so I can start moving in the right direction.
It has been a common theme in my life for at least the past 8 years that I don't get these things. I'm currently working at a job where a) I don't have a job description to work from, b) I don't know what my purpose is on the team, and c) I'm VERY unclear on what my actual job duties are. I'm really grateful for my job but these things make me very uncomfortable.
Another example - When I was trying to decide what to do after high school, I begged God to show me what to do. I did everything I knew how to get a definitive answer on which direction I should take. In the end, my answer was "It doesn't matter what you decide, you'll be able to serve God either way." NOT the answer I was looking for.
Tonight I had this eureka moment - that I've been uncomfortable and not hearing from God for SOOOOO long because I was looking to the stuff - the action item - not to Him. I thought I was looking to Him. I mean, my general question/demand was, "I'll go wherever you want God, just show me where." And then I wouldn't get an answer and get frustrated that I wasn't hearing from God. Then I'd try and figure out if where I was was the right place and where God wanted me to be. Tonight I heard loud and clear that I've been focusing on going somewhere, doing the right thing, being in the right place, instead of just getting to know God. He's taken almost everything I'm comfortable with away to show me: It's not about where you live, it's not about your job, it's not about who you've married, it's not about being rich or poor. It's about Me (God). My plan is going to be accomplished no matter what you do. What you do is not important. Getting to know Me is.

I mean, I've literally been searching for the right lesson to be learned, the right thing to be done that would mean that God would let us out of this ghetto. Turns out He's the answer. It's like those "guess the pattern" games. I kept on looking for the right pattern in everything but the most obvious answer. And now that I've figured out the answer, the ghetto doesn't matter anymore.

That's what Paul was talking about when he said, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." (Phil 4:11-13)

So often, verse 13 is taken out of context. But it's not that we can accomplish whatever we want through Christ, it's that no matter what our circumstances, He's always there so there'll always be strength enough to find joy.

Dude, I love Jesus.

2009-03-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

This afternoon was pretty mellow. Megan and I needed some stuff at Costco, so we head over to the new one in Lakewood. It's a Tuesday afternoon, there's no traffic and the parking lot is pretty sparse. And did I mention it's a beautiful day? Well, I must be hanging around Greg Negrete too much because I had an incident in the lot.

I go to the entrance of the Costco and turn down the nearest row of parking spaces. I expected a really close one given how uncrowded the lot was, but I was out of luck. The spaces didn't open up til half way down the lot. There were a couple cars getting ready to pull out, but I didn't feel like waiting for them, so I kept driving. I get to the part where the parking opens up and take the first one available. Well, as I'm turning in, an older white-haired fellow puts his blinker on to indicate he wants it. I say out loud (but not to him) "oops, sorry dude!" as I pull in. (Also, it was on my side and he was coming from the opposite direction, it's not like I cut him off to take it)

Oh man, I thought he was going to fight me. He slows down right behind my car, almost to a stop. I look at him, and he gives me the most piercing glare I've seen in a long time--and I live in the ghetto. As I get out of the car to offer him the spot, he drives away. I did some extensive googling to find you a picture like his face, but all I found was this baby. Since babies look like old men anyway, it's actually pretty accurate.

You know, I think I can fix it:

Fixed.

Was I scared? Yeah, a little. Honestly I thought I might have to drop an old man, but that would be his fault for pinning me in and attacking. Still, I was relieved he left. I wondered if he thought about it but decided against it when a big 25 year-old with a Spartan goatee stepped out.

I started laughing and just say, "dude, I love Jesus." Megan asks why. I say, "you know, I'd bet anything he has more money in his bank account than we do, I bet he has a nicer place to live, and he definitely has a nicer car. But we're the happy ones. I can't imagine going through life with that much anger, all the time." Then Megan told me I should blog about it.

-J

Merci Beaucoup

2009-02-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

18 - Today, I am grateful for my in-laws. They're kind of amazing. They've been incredibly supportive - financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm especially grateful that during the times when I was too blinded by all the chaos surrounding us to see the big picture, they were able to be a source of constant support for my hubs. They've given selflessly over the past couple of years and are there anytime we need prayer, a chat or rent to be paid. They've made our successes their successes and have encouraged us through every bump in the road. They have believed for us when we haven't been able to believe in ourselves. Or God for that matter.

Their support has been a source of strength and motivation for us. If someone believes that you can achieve the world, what's stopping you from pursuing it? They're already proud of us, but we're inspired to blow them away and become all that they believe we can be.

It may be ghetto...

2009-02-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

...but that can't stop it from being beautiful.

(you can click that for a full view; I guess blogger doesn't like it's size)

-J

More than I deserve

2009-02-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

So I've got some catch up to do with this 21 days of thankfulness. I've been thinking about what I'm grateful for every day - sometimes with the help of the hubs who picks the times when I'm bitching about life and bills to ask me what I'm grateful for. Gotta love it. But I have been bad about writing all of them down in this place. I think keeping a record of some of the things I'm grateful for in this season will be useful in the future for the times that I forget (or choose not to see) all the wonderful things that God has blessed me with. So without further adieu...

5. More than enough tasty food to eat. We haven't had to go to a food bank thus far and man, am I grateful. Have you seen the food they hand out there? What are you supposed to do with dry beans, a giant can of grapefruit juice, and a bottle of canola oil? (No joke, that's the exact contents of a bag that I've seen handed out.)

6. God's timing. It's just so much better than ours. And I love that most times, you don't get it until it's over. Hindsight is 20/20 - and the view is phenomenal.

7. A family in which love is the bottom line. I've discovered some absolutely horrible things about my family in the last few months, but through all the garbage, love has endured.

8. My husband. He's an absolutely amazing man. He is incredibly humble. (I didn't know until a couple of weeks ago that he's won multiple prestigious awards for his jazz performances - and he's a classical musician!) He's super smart and silly and affectionate. I laugh really hard every day with him and that makes me a lucky, lucky girl.

9. God's love. I was driving back from an interview the other day and I got a little teary as the profound nature of God's call for us hit me. The Bible *repeatedly* says that God's most important mandate for us is to love him and love each other. Do you get how earth shattering that is? I got a glimpse the other day and it was beautiful.

10. Massages. I beg aforementioned amazing husband for them nearly daily. They're just so good. I love that God created our bodies to benefit from other people's touch.

11. Creative outlets. I love that I can get lost in painting or writing and it makes me feel better. It feels good to express myself.

12. Crocheting. I'm grateful to Katy for teaching me. And I'm grateful to have a way to bless my friends and family with gifts when I couldn't afford to do anything else.

13. LA. I used to hate it. And there are parts of it that I still do. But it's in this city that I've grown in some incredible ways. Any sort of comfort zone I have has been challenged and that's been a very good thing.

14. Every hardship over the last 2 and a half years. Every unpaid bill, every creditor calling, every fight with my beloved, every death, every leaky window, every awful soul-draining job, every gang shooting... Because who I am now and who I was on our wedding day are two very different people. And while this one is a little more banged up, I like her better and I think God does too.

15. Peace. And the opportunity to choose it even when the list above is happening.

16. Music. It has the ability to transport my soul and gently turn my sorrows into dancing.

17. Room to grow. Cause I'm not even close to being done yet.

Appreciative

2009-02-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

~4~ I am grateful for our little apartment. It's small. It's in the ghetto. It's rotting from the inside out. But I'm grateful for it because it's a roof over our head. It's more than we deserve. It's also nice that it's so small because it forces me and the hubs to be in close quarters all the time. A bonding experience, to be sure. Plus it makes you REALLY appreciate alone time.

Gracias

2009-02-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

Since I didn't have something I was thankful for yesterday, I'm gonna write about 2 today.

(3) I am thankful for good friends. I had a walk and a talk with a kindred spirit today and it was so refreshing.

I've been feeling anxious about our current situation for no good reason. God's promised and it's been confirmed that this year will be one of significant change and increase for us. But now that I see that change start to happen, I'm getting nervous that it won't really happen or that they'll be trouble along the way or that it will somehow be more difficult than our current situation. I was talking about this with my friend and she voiced feeling the same way. We decided that when, in life, we reach a point of no return, we get scared because we can't go back - even though we *know* that what's in front of us is infinitely better than what we've been through. It's just that forward trajectory and the recognition of a chapter closing that's inducing anxiety.

But somehow, talking about this with her made that anxiety go away. It helps knowing that you've got friends that are along for the same ride you are. There's someone to hold your hand as the roller coaster takes off. It seems that company turns anxiety into excitement.

Yay for that.

Thankful

2009-02-10T13:23:00.000-08:00

#2 - God's provision in the little things.

On Sunday, we received a $100 check from this piece o' cake babysitting job we did and I just happened to have $10 cash in my wallet with which to tithe. Why is that God's provision? Well, I rarely have cash on hand, I was going to spend it earlier that day and uncharacteristically decided to use the debit card instead and it was the exact amount of money we needed to tithe. Also, we resolved to be much more faithful about tithing this year and it just felt warm and cozy to have God facilitate that for us.

Another one of God's provisions - I've asked Him to wake me up at 8am (which is sadly early for me these days) so that I can spend time with him. Generally, I'm okay at waking up when I tell my body to, but this has been uncanny. The last two days, I've woken up at 8:01 and 8:02, respectively. A God who cares enough to give us a literal wake up call? Astounding.

He's been showing me that He's right there with me - even in life's itty bitty moments. The Creator of the Universe woke me up this morning. Doesn't it make you want to cuddle up with Him?

Grateful

2009-02-08T23:26:00.000-08:00

I've decided that for the rest of February (at least) I'm going to meditate every day on something for which I'm grateful. So here's the first...

1. I am grateful that our church family really cares about one another and wants to take care of each other. Tonight, I had two people approach me about networking opportunities, several people ask how my job search is going, and last week, someone I barely even know at church called me up to tell me about a job opportunity - even though it would put me in direct competition with her. We really care about how each other's lives are going and make genuine efforts to help in any way we can.

That's rare and special and I'm grateful for it.

2009-02-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

Turns out that being unemployed leaves you with a great deal of time on your hands. Job listings have been quickly dwindling on every site so my job search takes less than an hour everyday, whereas it would take a good 4-6 hours when I first began my search.

Until now, I've mostly used this extra time to get antsy and tell my hubby to pay attention to me. I've recently gotten so bored that I started cleaning - if you know me, you know how absolutely absurd that is. I genuinely appreciate that this time I have is an amazing alternative to being stuck behind a desk all day fuming about all the bureaucracy. However, I've recently decided that using this precious time to be more productive would be a much better use of it.

So here's a list of my goals for this season of too much time on my hands:
1. Read the Bible. I'm ashamed that I haven't read every word of the book I base my life on, so I'm going to get down to business. I'm a little over halfway through Genesis.
2. Crochet and screenprint enough stuff to get a store started on Etsy.
2a) But finish the scarves for my cousin and brother first!
3. Finish my wedding album. (Two and a half years after the wedding - whatever, don't judge.)
4. Have someone over for dinner at least once a week. (So far, so good.)
5. Write encouraging notes to friends and family.
6. Go to a farmer's market for produce twice a month.
7. Get outside more!

I think that's all for now. If anyone has any brilliant ideas, let me know!

Peace.

2009-01-26T17:25:00.001-08:00

It's amazing how different this new year has been. From an outside perspective, nothing has changed, really. We're both still unemployed and have no idea how we'll pay rent or bills. But from an insider's perspective, it's an entirely new ball game.

A few posts ago, I talked about an amazing service at Halogen - the first of the new year led by Greg. That night turned out to be the start of a total attitude change for me. Because of that night and many things since then, I've been able to take comfort in resting in the knowledge that my Creator has and will take care of me. This revelation has sparked a new sense of purpose, a kinder, gentler attitude and a profound sense of peace.

The pictures above and below are of our apartment today. It's still the same ghetto apartment with ice cream trucks and yelling going on outside, but inside we're listening to mellow music and reading and crocheting in candlelight. Tension, worry and stress just don't live here anymore. Today, I applied to jobs, followed up with some contacts and did everything I know how to move forward. But the rest is up to God - and recognizing and trusting in that has made all the difference in the world. So after I scoured all of the job websites and applied to a few, I was able to sit back, relax and work on my very first crochet project for myself while sipping some earl grey. (Said crochet project laying on the couch in the picture below.) The hubs and I even played a few games of mancala together.

Not only has this year been more peaceful, but it's just been 1000 times more fun. We've found ourselves (at our poorest) doing all kinds of fun things - trekking to Hollywood, having dinner with friends, going to parties, having friends over, getting to know new people...

God showed me last night that even when I've run away, been disobedient, been pissed and questioned my faith in His very existence, He consistently provided us with an abundance. Even when I refused to open my eyes and see it all, He has kept us safe and fed and healthy.

And here's the take home message - now that I *have* opened my eyes to see Him and all that he's provided, life is so much better. Instead of feeling angry, frustrated, and generally short changed, I feel blessed with so much more than I deserve and excited for a future that I know will blow my mind.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jer 29:11 (NIV)

A Better (Wo)Man

2009-01-20T12:27:00.000-08:00

A Better Man

written by: Kevin Moore / O. Osbourne

Sittin' here in my problem
What am I gonna do now
Am I gonna make it
Someway, somehow
Maybe I'm not supposed to know
Maybe I'm supposed to cry
And if nobody ever knows
The way I feel
It's all right
And it'll be ok

I'm gonna make my world a better place
I'm gonna keep that smile on my face
I'm gonna teach myself how to understand
I'm gonna make myself a better man
Climbing out of the window
Climbing up the wall
Is anybody gonna save me
Or are they gonna let me fall
Well I don't really wanna know
I´ll just hold on the best I can
And if I fall down
I´ll just get back up
It'll be alright
It'll be ok

Maybe I'm not supposed to know
Maybe I'm supposed to cry
And if nobody ever knows
The way I feel
That's all right
It'll be ok

Life is Beautiful

2009-01-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

Life Is Beautiful

written by: Kevin Moore / Colin Lindenr

Let's go drifin through the trees
Let's go sailing on the sea
Let's go dancing on the juke-join floor
And leave our troubles all behind, have a party

So easily forgotten, are the most important things
Like the melody and the moonlight in your eyes
And a song that lasts forever
Each song getting better all the time

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

I get crazy, so afraid
That I might lose you some fine day
And I'll be nothing but a tired old man
And I don't wanna be without you at the party

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you
(that's right baby)

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright
Shining Bright

Megan and John are pimps!

2009-01-14T12:21:00.001-08:00

Why are people drawn to Hollywood? If you've lived there (or maybe even just visited), you know that it's dirty, kinda dangerous, way over-crowded, but it has one strongly redeeming quality: you see stuff you see on TV. It's pretty charming to walk around, looking at the walk of fame, the landmarks and think "whoa, I've seen that!" That includes celebrities, which are, as you may have assumed, shiny like glitter.

Well, Megan and I had a good week with celebrities. Not because we saw them--we've seen a good handful before--but in hanging out with some of our friends who are more into the Hollywood scene, we've actually both had a celeb flirt with us within the last week. Nothing serious, but still amusingly blogworthy.

We went to iO West last Saturday. We saw a few celebrities--the improv group contained Louis CK, Neil Flynn, and David Koechner. Good guys. Sitting directly in front of us in the audience we saw Andy Dick, Arden Myrin and Mo Collins. I was looking around the audience and caught Mo's eye. She gave me a once-over and a "what's up?" smile. She was a lot hotter than you'd expect from someone who could pull off Gina in 40 Year-Old Virgin, as seen in this parody clip. Flirtations or no, the show was a real good time, and it was great to get out with some friends and see the crazies on Hollywood Blvd.!

But how cool is my wife? Let me tell you. I told her about it when we got home, and she was actually upset that I didn't chat her up for her number. She didn't give me a free pass, but she did fully support a phone number exchange. Wish I would've known! Ohwell, Mo was with a guy anyway.

Cut to Tuesday. Megan goes to do some filming with Tami on Hollywood, where they went out to record some impromptu dancing. Apparently it was a fun and crazy time that involved a great deal of rump shaking. The costumed people that hang out for tips were total attention whores and may have danced way too much. Already a fun day, Megan sees Ken Davitian, the big dude from Borat. You know, the one that runs around naked and puts his sack in Cohen's face. Megan looks at him and does a double-take. It catches Davitian's attention and he gives her a wink and a nod! Oh yeah baby.

Score one for the Robertson hot-o-meter!

Megan's footnote: I'd just like to point out that whilst my hubby gets hit on by super hot comedian lady, I get hit on by possibly the world's ugliest famous man. I mean really, we all saw the guy naked - the hair, the balls, the fat... ew. While indicative of our relative hotness, I am proud of landing a foxy husband who sexy Hollywood ladies would love to have for breakfast.

John's addendum: I think we all know the situation would be reversed if it was based on relative hotness. This is just a good example of what happens when one guy wins the flirt lottery and another girl loses the flirt lottery in the same week.

The Wonder of Job Searching

2009-01-05T12:23:00.000-08:00

Well, since graduating with a degree in music (bad idea) and business (presumably good idea), I really haven't been able to land much gainful employment. Although I've been the poster child for God's amazing ability to provide, I'd like to not be anymore and have been looking for a good job since April '06.

Well, the job market continues to spiral out of control and as I lose my confidence to find work in the near future, I find myself wondering what's going to happen next. So, with bright eyes and a bushy tail, I applied to the Wonder of Reading. It's an LA-based non-profit that works with elementary schools to help boost literacy.

This totally hit home for me. See, I love to read, and I hate kids who can't. I used to feel sorry for them, but now I live in a neighborhood where some kids have nothing better to do than run around screaming and cappin' each other because they can't solve their life problems burying themselves in some sweet James Joyce. I mean, look at the girl below, she doesn't even know what the fudge to do with a book!

Okay, so about Wonder of Reading, I find their ad and they're basically looking for a regional director. I can direct stuff, and I'm awesome at reading and keeping kids in line, so I thought, "why not?" So I sent them my resume with the following cover letter:

Dear The Wonder of Reading,

I am conspicuously under-qualified for the position offered. However, I did teach myself to read at three years old and I'm sick of ignorant-ass little kids who can't read. I'm running out of options in this job market and thought I'd send my resume. Seriously though, I really do think I would be great in the position. I'm not afraid to give a child, nay--the entire public education system--a swift kick in the rear.

Respectfully,
John Robertson

Well, either they found it totally un-hilarious, offensive, or most ironically, didn't read it, as I received this in my email today:

Dear John Robertson,

Thank you for your interest in our recently advertised Elementary Literacy Director position. In light of your background and the position available, it does not appear that an interview would be mutually beneficial at this time. We will, however, maintain your résumé for a period of 60 days for future consideration.

We appreciate your interest in our company and wish you every success.

I don't think they appreciate it half as much as they claim!

Turns out God gives a shit.

2009-01-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

I began church this evening by cussing out God. I refused to sing songs that claimed of His provision and was praying a pretty big "What the fuck?!" I was feeling pretty pissed at God for not showing up in my life. I prayed for some sort of interaction. When you take a step back, it seems like a pretty tall order to demand that the Creator of the Universe interact with you on an individual level, but damnit, that's what I needed.

And here's the crazy thing - He did. Despite my extreme doubt and anything but reverent posture, God gave me the irrefutable proof that He's around. It was just what I needed.

Greg gave the sermon tonight which is a bit miraculous because (a) he hates speaking and (b) Izzy was supposed to speak tonight, but God held him up in Washington for just long enough to make that impossible. Also, Greg let us know that God woke him up a couple weeks ago with this sermon. After trying to go back to sleep, God persisted and Greg relented, writing it down on his iPhone under the covers. I feel pretty guilty that God woke Greg up for me, but I'm grateful that he listened.

Greg spoke about unbreakable faith - even distinguishing between unshakable and unbreakable. As I sat with my arms crossed basically debating about whether or not I even still believed in all this Christian nonsense, his words went straight to my heart. Then, to illustrate his point, he spoke about the life of Job. The book of Job has been the only part of the bible that has made sense to me in the last few months. In particular, the ending in which Job essentially tells God, "What the fuck?!" and God says "Who the hell do you think you are? Did you make the earth? Didn't think so." (See earlier post for a slightly longer but equally poor synopsis.)

Greg only spoke about the first part of Job, but it was enough to get my attention. However, even at this point I wasn't completely convinced. After Greg's sermon, we sang "It is Well" which is a song that John and I have talked about identifying with.

THEN we sang "How Great is Our God". As we were singing, I was thinking that the word great didn't really represent the slightly better than good definition, but the great power of God. In the middle of the song, Pastor Larry interrupted with a word he received. He reminded us of the last part of the book of Job (surprise!) and that God was worthy of worship because he was great - not just good great, but powerful great. And that God always blesses unbreakable faith.

I feel so relieved that God spoke to me tonight. He didn't give me any answers about what's next for us, but that's okay. I think I just needed strong confirmation that it's okay to rest in faith right now. That our circumstances aren't random or without purpose. That this is where we're supposed to be and my job right now is to just believe.

Every day is a winding road.

2009-01-03T20:59:00.000-08:00

The new year is here. And yet again, we've just barely scooted by a fork in the road to maintain our oh-so-unstable status quo. Through these last two years, we've had more moments than I can count in which we've been *positive* that life was going to take a big turn - sometimes for good, sometimes for the worse - but in any case, maintaining our current course seemed to be the least likely option by far.

However, nearly every time, we've stayed on this strange, uncomfortable path we've been on.

And here we are again.

Rent is paid for January, which, as you'll read in previous posts, we were sure wasn't going to happen. But it did. John's parents helped us out and paid our rent... again. I'm grateful for their generosity, really I am. They've gone light years beyond any sort of duty required of a supportive parent. I am an incredibly lucky daughter in law.

But, oh man, how I hate accepting it. I hate that we're not fully independent. I hate that we're (as the people around here say) "growned assed adults" and still depending on mom and dad to make it through. And I absolutely hate that God hasn't provided in a different way. I thought for a while that maybe God was teaching me a lesson about being humble, but I'm not sure I believe that anymore.

To be honest, I haven't seen the hand of God or heard His voice in a long time. I find that I'm constantly arguing with myself about whether or not I even still believe. I mean, there's something to be said for blind faith, but the whole point of Christianity is believing in a God that gives a shit and takes an active part in everyone's lives on an individual level. I want to believe so badly, but it gets harder every day. I'll take any sort of sign, I just need something that can't be easily explained away, ya know? Proof that God is good and more importantly, HERE.

So who knows? Neither one of us have jobs yet and we don't know how rent for February is going to be paid. So another fork is quickly approaching and I'm still holding out hope that God will show up.

I hope that I can look back a year from now and stand in awe at the amazing (and hopefully prosperous) things God did and not have one shred of doubt in my mind about who orchestrated every minute of it.

Johnny #2

2008-12-18T22:54:00.000-08:00

Megan often gets mad at me in our serious talks because I'm not serious enough. You see, I'm completely capable of having a serious conversation while making handpuppets. No, really, I'm just that talented. Well, art has imitated life and Megan got upset that my first blog post included monkeys and stuff (though I was forgiven after she read it), so I'm going to try and keep this monkeyless. Although, with the inclusion of the word "monkeyless" and the veiled poop joke in the title, I'm not sure that's still possible.

Crap, I did it again. Actual monkey photo (above).

Well, with that out of the way, I'll get to what was really on my mind. I went to Mike Maxell's funeral today. It was a beautiful service. But, funerals are always bittersweet, and they're difficult for anyone to go to. That said, it wasn't helpful with my recent struggle to not be pissed off at God. But, in the way only someone much stronger in faith could do, Mike passed on some great wisdom in his passing.

>If Mike never gave up, who am I to even think about it?

With nothing working out like we even half expected, it's natural to ask myself why I should even keep going. It's said that only a fool will keep trying the same thing over again and expect a different outcome each time. Two years after moving down here, I'm feeling like a fool. I find myself questioning if I was *really* hearing God's call to come down here. But I know I can't give up, and the only way Mike dealt with it was, as he said, "God is 911." Like Mike, I'll never make it without leaning on Him. I'm not the first person who's had to learn this, but God loves me enough to put stronger people in front of me to model that strength.

Before I moved down here, when I was in college and rediscovering the Lord, I asked Him to give me wisdom. I had the lottery-winning Solomaic model in mind: I ask for wisdom, and God would make me the wisest, richest, pimpingest man on earth. I think he's answering my prayer, but not in the way I had hoped.

In good news, it looks like we have a door opened to stay down in So Cal even if we don't have the money to make rent in January. Brent has offered to let us stay in the house he's fixing up. It sounds like a win-win. We get a free place to live in, and there will be plenty of paint fumes around to help us mellow out (sometimes a win-win means you win twice, it's not necessarily a mutual victory).

Let's see what happens.

Bonus faith

2008-12-17T12:20:00.000-08:00

I was talking with some beautiful people last night and I had a mini-epiphany. So here it is: We have much more faith than I thought we did.

I really thought we were just running on empty with not really any faith to speak of. But as I was talking to aforementioned beautiful people, I realized that if we didn't believe in a God that provides, we'd be packing right now.

I mean, really, there's just no *earthly* way we're going to make our rent for January. And from the looks of things, we're definitely moving back up north. But we've somehow managed to have enough faith to not pack yet. We're still holding out hope that God will provide us with a way to stay down here.

It's a good feeling to realize that. Kinda like finding a $20 bill in your pocket. Go faith. Now if only I could find enough bills to pay that rent...

Johnny weighs in

2008-12-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

Alright, now that we're using this blog we registered forever ago the wife totally wants me to contribute. I guess I don't have much else to do. No, really, last night Megan and I spent three hours untangling a gigantic yarn knot. It probably saved us about 70¢. That should tell you what our time:money ratio looks like right now.

I'm not sure what to write. I occasionally update a myspace blog. The last three posts were:

How much I want a hamster-person (i.e., pygmy marmoset)
The time my mom made me think she had an unrealistically large french-fry and I cried when she ate it (I was much younger)
A drunken post about how I have a lot of street cred for a white boy. Yes, I'm one wacky cracker!

That's me kicking it (proverbially) with my crew (crew is also used figuratively). I'm on the left.

Unsure what to write about, or even how to write seriously, Megan suggests I should talk about the Advent reading we did last Sunday. For those of you who don't know what Advent reading is, I'm sorry, I couldn't tell you. I've never had it explained to me either, but it seems to be lighting candles at Christmas time and talking about what they represent.

Izzy asked us to read about joy. This is probably the worst topic for me to talk about right now. I'm unemployed, recently got in a car accident, can't afford gifts for any of my loved ones, just got over the flu, and don't even know where I'll be living two weeks from now. And the worst part, Mike Maxell passed last Saturday. I love Mike, and I as I'm up there reading about joy I can only think about how much more everyone in that room must have loved him, having known him for years. We'll miss you buddy.

I don't know if I was feeling irrationally cynical, but I couldn't bring myself to agree with the Advent reading. Especially so the description of peace, which read:

"Peace is like sitting down in your favorite chair after a hard day of work. In your hand is a hot mug of coca, in the background, soft Christmas music is playing. As you begin to doze off, you just know God is in control of everything. In a similar way 'Jesus is our peace'."

I understand the need to draw an image of peacefulness, but this isn't the Peace that Christ came to give us. Even unbelievers know and feel this peace (many of them much more often than I do)! But the Peace that Jesus offers is so much more than that. The Peace He gives us is knowing Mike Maxell is in a better place, and that we'll see him again soon. Peace means that although life is a storm right now, I'm with the One who the wind and the waves obey. Peace means knowning that even if I didn't have my family and friends right now, I still wouldn't be going through this alone.

This life-being-hard thing is pretty new to me. I grew up with parents who do well for themselves. I went to a private university to study music. I got out, started a business with a friend and we soon found ourselves brokering large securities and fringe investments. Most of you probably don't know this, but we had a very substantial gold deal that came within a hair's breath of closing. It would have made us multi-millionaires.

You know, I think if that would have happened, I would've had the "music and coca" view of peace and could've gone my whole life without understanding real peace. For what it's worth, I'm glad I understand this and have a fresh perspective. I'm sure my understanding is still shallow and narrow, but at least it's a start. I wanted that gold deal to fund so I could help people with the income. Now I actually understand what it is to need help. Maybe that's the gold I got out of it.

Learning a lesson can suck.

Maybe I'm going through this so that someday (hopefully soon!) I can be a conspicuous example to the world of God's never-failing power to overcome. He has been good to us, and He will continue to be good to us--just you watch!

The roots of hope

2008-12-14T22:54:00.000-08:00

So to continue the conversation...

The reason I feel that I don't have what it takes to commit suicide is because I have hope. The difference between those that follow through and those that just think about it is hope. As long as you have even the slightest shred of hope to hold on to, it will be okay.

And even now, I believe that the reason God brought me to that brink of hopelessness is so that I could empathize with those that are falling over the edge. That shred of hope that I still have is leading me to believe that there will be a future in which this intimate knowledge will serve me in my job as a counselor and that someone will be saved from that fate because God saved me from mine.

After going to church today, I feel overwhelmed by the love of our church family. It really is a family and I'm consistently blown away by the realness with which they love and live.

As I was listening to Pastor Larry preach a sermon that spoke to my soul, I wrote this:

"When I lost my faith and couldn't see the face of God, when I didn't know how to pray, when I was just pissed - and because anger is never a primary emotion, by pissed I mean scared and disappointed and confused and heartbroken....

When all of that was where I was, I was still able to have faith in my church family. I was barely hanging on to my last thread of hope, but my hope began to take root when I knew that people like Lisa Race and David Heno were praying for us. I couldn't see or feel God, but I could see Katy's face. I could feel the warmth and support of a hug from Audrey. I could believe in the concern I saw on Danny's face. I could hang on tight to the confidence Izzy had in a better future."

It's written in past tense because I'm starting to trust that there will be a happy ending to this chapter of our lives, and soon. That just as Job cried out to God a big "WHAT THE HELL?!" right when he couldn't take it anymore, God answered with the authority of heaven. He put Job in his place, let him know that if he didn't know how thunder was created or how to summon the fury of the ocean that he would just have to sit back and trust. And then God blessed him beyond his wildest imagination.

See, I don't know how to summon the ocean's fury. So I'm working on sitting back and trusting. And not being a pissed off, bratty child of God while I'm doing it.

Sweet relief

2008-12-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

So I write this because writing has always helped me to process. And because I want everyone and nobody to see it at once. Because I feel frustrated with the lack of depth some people possess and like a selfish, spoiled, brat for indulging in even thinking what I'm going through is remotely hard.

But it is. For me. And I recognize in the grand scheme of things that it's minuscule. So there's my prelude and disclaimer. Here goes...

I moved to LA with my husband 2 years, 3 months, and 1 day ago. It was a scary/exciting move. We didn't have jobs or even a place to live, really. We signed the lease with the U-Haul sitting outside the apartment office. We came down on a whim and mostly a prayer, hoping to find our success here. My dreams of grad school, mainly John's dreams of music industry domination.

But here we are. Approximately 821 days from the beginning of our journey and it looks like we've failed at our mission. We've worked hard. Prayed harder. And really... NOTHING.

No. Not nothing. A whole lot.

We've been witness to murder and poverty and social injustice from an uncomfortably close vantage point. And I don't mean to separate ourselves because while I recognize the privilege we've come down here with, we've been just as broke and desperate as our neighbors in the ghetto. I've caught myself behaving like an animal after being treated like one by the slumlords that manage our complex.

It's hard to rise above when you're wading through this much bullshit.

At the moment, we're both unemployed with no prospects to pay rent for January. Each day it's looking more and more like we'll have to move back in with our parents and hope for better luck in the top half of the state. Shitty prospects, but not tragic by any means. I know our choices have gotten us to this point, but I guess I was hoping that our intelligence, hard work, and prayers would have made those choices have a much different outcome.

And here's the heartbreaking revelation that I've recently come to: there is no giving up in life. Lord knows I've wanted to. But even if I gave up - if I just sat down and refused to move - life would continue to happen to me. I would still be a participant in life and the progression of time no matter how much I scream that I just want out.

And there's the crux of it - suicide is the only way out. The only way to get sweet relief from the relentless pursuit of survival. I don't think I actually have what it takes to go through with it, but I've recently started thinking about it with an entirely different perspective. I've begun to really understand the feeling that people who do it must have. It's not really about attention (although for some I'm sure it is), it's just an aching for that sweet relief. Sure, it's selfish. But I get it now.