Testify

This is my testimony. Or rather, His.

Here's the rundown:
My husband and I got married and promptly moved to the ghetto of Long Beach (unintentionally) 5 years ago. We lived in that ghetto for exactly 3 years. We now live in the "gay ghetto" 2 blocks from the beach - it's hardly ghetto and a serious upgrade from our first place. The entire time we've struggled through long stretches of unemployment, failed businesses, and the struggle of figuring out how to be married when grown-up life turns out to be nothing of what we thought it might.

Here's some perspective on our adventure thus far:

I lived in the ghetto and hated it. I tried to see redemption and came up empty handed. I didn't love my neighbors. I hated their violence and drugs and could barely see through the fog of my hatred to catch a glimpse of their humanity. I doubted when my wish list of prayers wasn't answered the way I thought they should be. I decided that maybe I just couldn't believe anymore.

But He was faithful. Even when I gave up, He stood by my side, patient with my temper tantrum.

My testimony isn't about how I prayed diligently or was humble enough to earn grace. It isn't about how I grew to find the virtue in living in a truly crappy place. I have friends who intentionally and missionally live in Compton. They build relationships with their neighbors and live there for the purpose of loving their community. It is beautiful. My attitude about living in my ghetto was the opposite.

I am not and have never been worthy of mercy like His. My testimony is not about my faithfulness in dire circumstances or choosing joy in trials. It's about His faithfulness. I'm not faithful. He is.

So often we hear - if you just remain faithful... be diligent in your prayers, read His word daily, you'll be able to remain in His peace no matter your circumstance. Folks, I chose to pout. I chose to cry and throw a fit the likes of which a grown woman should never see. But even in my inconsistency, He was consistent.

We couldn't pay rent for a full year. Rent was paid. Every month. On time. I freaked out every month around the 25th wondering how we would pay. It took a full 6 months before I learned to calm down and rely on the Lord of provision.

I doubted and screamed and cried. He calmly walked beside me through the valley and loved me the whole time.

All the time

I'd just like to share about how good God is. This is my first week of embarking on a tough stage in my life. Between work, school, and internship, I'll be working 70 hours/week. Learning new things and working at places that are really tough emotionally (hospice and homeless young adults) with only every other Saturday off is daunting. However, I feel like that's what God is asking me to do for this moment and I will be obedient in walking through it with Him. Last night at church I was praying through feeling exhausted and asking God to show me how to be joyful when I'm stretched to the limits like this. I was reminded to be thankful and focus on Him.

So today, I start work at 7am and go straight to school and don't get out until 10pm. It's a long day and I was dragging myself out of bed to do it. Then this morning I got great news at work. And then I walked out of the office to run to the mini-mart next door and lo and behold my husband was walking up to me with a soda treat in hand!

These small things just made me feel so blessed and assured of the fact that God will get me through this. By my strength, I just can't. There's no way. But He will see me through.

And on a slightly related note... I feel like I keep hearing about people's stories of God's provision. "My car was broken and then God provided the money to fix it! Isn't God good?" I think these stories are great. But I sometimes feel like saying to these people - even if God doesn't fix your situation, He's still good. It can feel like the implication is that God proves His existence and goodness by changing the bad situation or giving us a way out. But I've learned that even if the rent doesn't miraculously get paid. Even if the cancer takes over. Even if I sleep in a park. Even if He doesn't provide a way out of working 70 hours/week. He is still good because through it all, He will never leave us. Never forsake us. THAT is His promise. Not that bad stuff won't happen, but that He will be with us through all of it. He is not God because we are blessed, we are blessed because He is God.