As indicated earlier by my wife, the ball has started to roll on the music front. This is good, beyond good; it's why we moved down to Long Beach in the first place. It's been a crazy but wonderful adventure thus far, but has seemed incomplete without progress in that area.
I guess it really started with hearing a number of friends and family telling me that I should be getting out more [musically speaking], but I had the easy excuse that I had 'already tried.' When I moved down here (2006), I tried everything I knew to do to get out there. It was conspicuously unfruitful. I managed to get a couple of students, which was great, but I lost those when the world economy crashed. So I had this classical training, great experience and skill, and ended up feeling 'all dressed up with nowhere to go.' It's a tough place to move from there. It may sound sort of silly, but the oppression of the dead end felt inescapable. I would make an occasional contact, but would fail to pursue it well because I believed the lie that it wouldn't happen, it couldn't happen, I wasn't good enough for it to happen.
Anyhow, just in the last six weeks or so, things have been changing greatly. I got picked up by an agent though a friend of mine. That necessitated recordings and head shots, a considerable expense. However, the head shots were completely taken care of by a professional photographer friend. I had a few old recordings from my conservatory recitals, which at least prove I have chops. I wanted to record some new stuff to demonstrate my versatility in various genres, as well as the misc. instruments I play (flute, Native American flute, penny whistle, etc.). So I search for a USB mic that will be appropriate enough to do some instrumental recording with. I go to a home recording web forum and poke around. They all slam USB mics, which I expect (latency and quality issues), but I find a couple that look like they'll do. For shiggles, I post this old clarinet I have that I haven't been able to sell. I don't expect anything to come of it. However, a fellow on there wants it for his studio, and is feeling generous and wants to help me. We do a trade for a very nice mic, and an interface to plug it into the computer (which can also do mixing & add other mics, guitars/basses/drums etc.). It's so much more than I was originally looking for. I got a mic stand and cable from a guy on Craigslist that lives about 5 blocks away. We meet and hit it off. He's been an audio engineer for years, a fun Christian dude, and I give him my card. He listened to my recordings (old conservatory stuff) and can't wait to work together. I was also invited to sit in with a band that does corporate gigs in and around LA (which is definitely 'nice work if you can get it'). Everything is aligning.
What really amazes me is the fact that all of this has come out of nothing. On the heels of my former business partner defrauding our company, it feels like I've had less to work with now more than ever. However, just taking the time to listen to God's call has pushed out the lies I've been listening to for years. Everything is coming together, and it's wonderful. The adventure continues on a new footing, and it couldn't be greater.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Need (Warning: this might be TMI)
Life is exciting. John's music career is moving forward in huge ways, but I'll let him tell you about that. I'll just fill you in on my share of our world...
I feel that this season (so Christian-ese) of my life can be characterized by "need" - my undeniable need for my sweet Jesus. I have been struggling with some serious burn out. I didn't realize the full extent of what people meant by "burn out", specifically in my line of work, until now. I thought it was just kind of getting sick of the job. But boy howdy, is it so much bigger than that! It feels awful. REALLY awful.
I've had a few moments in the past couple of months in which I've completely broken down - prolonged ugly cries paired with an overwhelming feeling of a total lack of control. I've had SEVERAL days spent just completely exhausted trying to put one foot in front of the other. I now know what anxiety feels like. Real anxiety, not the "I've got a test tomorrow" easy stuff. And in the midst of this, I've noticed a shift in how I react to feeling bad - I get to this point where all these thoughts are racing through my head, but it's really hard to vocalize any of it. I sit there screaming in my head that I need help, but I don't know how to communicate that I want it or even what "help" would mean. Poor John is doing his best to be a support to me, but it's a tough job, particularly because our learned ways of communicating are so different.
I think this moment of crisis is largely fueled by my job along with a few home-life factors. In the last week at work, I was punched for the first time (don't worry, just grazed in the shoulder as I was trying - unsuccessfully - to break up a fight) and watched a drug addict hit what I hope is rock bottom. Not to mention the usual calls about my kids' personal crisis ranging from "I don't know how I'm gonna pay this light bill" to "I think I might want to kill myself". It's intense. Lots of people in my life have said that I have a gift for social work. They ask me how I do it and confess that they don't think they ever could. The truth is, I don't know if I can do it, either. I just feel this deep-rooted compassion for others. I see what I see in my line of work and my heart breaks and I have to do SOMETHING. It's also ruined me for other fields. I mean, how can I think about doing something like marketing or retail when I compare that to the sense of meaning I get from doing what I do? Then again, I see how jolly the people who work at Trader Joe's are and a career change doesn't seem like such a bad idea!
And here's why I started this post saying that I'm excited about life right now. Burn out is hard. HARD. HARD. HARD. But I've got a friend named Jesus whose name breaks chains called burn out and anxiety and stress. I'm recognizing through this how much I NEED my sweet and strong Jesus everyday. I'm still not good at that, but I've recognized the need in a very real way. I've also been blessed with many things in this season, like a job where self-care is encouraged, an insurance policy that covers unlimited therapy, a Christian therapist booked through a very secular organization, and a husband that is willing to stumble through the task of supporting his wife. Not to mention the fact that I've got space in my life to try and figure this out - I've got a bed to rest on, a roof to protect my head and an absence of things like kids that might completely overwhelm me. This has given me the opportunity to address issues that I probably wouldn't have otherwise which will make me a stronger and much more effective servant of God.
And in small moments, I'm able to rejoice in this trial because it means I'm growing. I know this isn't the hardest thing I'll ever have to deal with and I'm grateful to go through it now to make me more well-equipped to deal with the bigger stumbling blocks further down the road. My tools for ministry are being sharpened and it hurts so good. :-)
I feel that this season (so Christian-ese) of my life can be characterized by "need" - my undeniable need for my sweet Jesus. I have been struggling with some serious burn out. I didn't realize the full extent of what people meant by "burn out", specifically in my line of work, until now. I thought it was just kind of getting sick of the job. But boy howdy, is it so much bigger than that! It feels awful. REALLY awful.
I've had a few moments in the past couple of months in which I've completely broken down - prolonged ugly cries paired with an overwhelming feeling of a total lack of control. I've had SEVERAL days spent just completely exhausted trying to put one foot in front of the other. I now know what anxiety feels like. Real anxiety, not the "I've got a test tomorrow" easy stuff. And in the midst of this, I've noticed a shift in how I react to feeling bad - I get to this point where all these thoughts are racing through my head, but it's really hard to vocalize any of it. I sit there screaming in my head that I need help, but I don't know how to communicate that I want it or even what "help" would mean. Poor John is doing his best to be a support to me, but it's a tough job, particularly because our learned ways of communicating are so different.
I think this moment of crisis is largely fueled by my job along with a few home-life factors. In the last week at work, I was punched for the first time (don't worry, just grazed in the shoulder as I was trying - unsuccessfully - to break up a fight) and watched a drug addict hit what I hope is rock bottom. Not to mention the usual calls about my kids' personal crisis ranging from "I don't know how I'm gonna pay this light bill" to "I think I might want to kill myself". It's intense. Lots of people in my life have said that I have a gift for social work. They ask me how I do it and confess that they don't think they ever could. The truth is, I don't know if I can do it, either. I just feel this deep-rooted compassion for others. I see what I see in my line of work and my heart breaks and I have to do SOMETHING. It's also ruined me for other fields. I mean, how can I think about doing something like marketing or retail when I compare that to the sense of meaning I get from doing what I do? Then again, I see how jolly the people who work at Trader Joe's are and a career change doesn't seem like such a bad idea!
And here's why I started this post saying that I'm excited about life right now. Burn out is hard. HARD. HARD. HARD. But I've got a friend named Jesus whose name breaks chains called burn out and anxiety and stress. I'm recognizing through this how much I NEED my sweet and strong Jesus everyday. I'm still not good at that, but I've recognized the need in a very real way. I've also been blessed with many things in this season, like a job where self-care is encouraged, an insurance policy that covers unlimited therapy, a Christian therapist booked through a very secular organization, and a husband that is willing to stumble through the task of supporting his wife. Not to mention the fact that I've got space in my life to try and figure this out - I've got a bed to rest on, a roof to protect my head and an absence of things like kids that might completely overwhelm me. This has given me the opportunity to address issues that I probably wouldn't have otherwise which will make me a stronger and much more effective servant of God.
And in small moments, I'm able to rejoice in this trial because it means I'm growing. I know this isn't the hardest thing I'll ever have to deal with and I'm grateful to go through it now to make me more well-equipped to deal with the bigger stumbling blocks further down the road. My tools for ministry are being sharpened and it hurts so good. :-)
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