Life is exciting. John's music career is moving forward in huge ways, but I'll let him tell you about that. I'll just fill you in on my share of our world...
I feel that this season (so Christian-ese) of my life can be characterized by "need" - my undeniable need for my sweet Jesus. I have been struggling with some serious burn out. I didn't realize the full extent of what people meant by "burn out", specifically in my line of work, until now. I thought it was just kind of getting sick of the job. But boy howdy, is it so much bigger than that! It feels awful. REALLY awful.
I've had a few moments in the past couple of months in which I've completely broken down - prolonged ugly cries paired with an overwhelming feeling of a total lack of control. I've had SEVERAL days spent just completely exhausted trying to put one foot in front of the other. I now know what anxiety feels like. Real anxiety, not the "I've got a test tomorrow" easy stuff. And in the midst of this, I've noticed a shift in how I react to feeling bad - I get to this point where all these thoughts are racing through my head, but it's really hard to vocalize any of it. I sit there screaming in my head that I need help, but I don't know how to communicate that I want it or even what "help" would mean. Poor John is doing his best to be a support to me, but it's a tough job, particularly because our learned ways of communicating are so different.
I think this moment of crisis is largely fueled by my job along with a few home-life factors. In the last week at work, I was punched for the first time (don't worry, just grazed in the shoulder as I was trying - unsuccessfully - to break up a fight) and watched a drug addict hit what I hope is rock bottom. Not to mention the usual calls about my kids' personal crisis ranging from "I don't know how I'm gonna pay this light bill" to "I think I might want to kill myself". It's intense. Lots of people in my life have said that I have a gift for social work. They ask me how I do it and confess that they don't think they ever could. The truth is, I don't know if I can do it, either. I just feel this deep-rooted compassion for others. I see what I see in my line of work and my heart breaks and I have to do SOMETHING. It's also ruined me for other fields. I mean, how can I think about doing something like marketing or retail when I compare that to the sense of meaning I get from doing what I do? Then again, I see how jolly the people who work at Trader Joe's are and a career change doesn't seem like such a bad idea!
And here's why I started this post saying that I'm excited about life right now. Burn out is hard. HARD. HARD. HARD. But I've got a friend named Jesus whose name breaks chains called burn out and anxiety and stress. I'm recognizing through this how much I NEED my sweet and strong Jesus everyday. I'm still not good at that, but I've recognized the need in a very real way. I've also been blessed with many things in this season, like a job where self-care is encouraged, an insurance policy that covers unlimited therapy, a Christian therapist booked through a very secular organization, and a husband that is willing to stumble through the task of supporting his wife. Not to mention the fact that I've got space in my life to try and figure this out - I've got a bed to rest on, a roof to protect my head and an absence of things like kids that might completely overwhelm me. This has given me the opportunity to address issues that I probably wouldn't have otherwise which will make me a stronger and much more effective servant of God.
And in small moments, I'm able to rejoice in this trial because it means I'm growing. I know this isn't the hardest thing I'll ever have to deal with and I'm grateful to go through it now to make me more well-equipped to deal with the bigger stumbling blocks further down the road. My tools for ministry are being sharpened and it hurts so good. :-)
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