The roots of hope

So to continue the conversation...

The reason I feel that I don't have what it takes to commit suicide is because I have hope. The difference between those that follow through and those that just think about it is hope. As long as you have even the slightest shred of hope to hold on to, it will be okay.

And even now, I believe that the reason God brought me to that brink of hopelessness is so that I could empathize with those that are falling over the edge. That shred of hope that I still have is leading me to believe that there will be a future in which this intimate knowledge will serve me in my job as a counselor and that someone will be saved from that fate because God saved me from mine.

After going to church today, I feel overwhelmed by the love of our church family. It really is a family and I'm consistently blown away by the realness with which they love and live.

As I was listening to Pastor Larry preach a sermon that spoke to my soul, I wrote this:

"When I lost my faith and couldn't see the face of God, when I didn't know how to pray, when I was just pissed - and because anger is never a primary emotion, by pissed I mean scared and disappointed and confused and heartbroken....

When all of that was where I was, I was still able to have faith in my church family. I was barely hanging on to my last thread of hope, but my hope began to take root when I knew that people like Lisa Race and David Heno were praying for us. I couldn't see or feel God, but I could see Katy's face. I could feel the warmth and support of a hug from Audrey. I could believe in the concern I saw on Danny's face. I could hang on tight to the confidence Izzy had in a better future."

It's written in past tense because I'm starting to trust that there will be a happy ending to this chapter of our lives, and soon. That just as Job cried out to God a big "WHAT THE HELL?!" right when he couldn't take it anymore, God answered with the authority of heaven. He put Job in his place, let him know that if he didn't know how thunder was created or how to summon the fury of the ocean that he would just have to sit back and trust. And then God blessed him beyond his wildest imagination.

See, I don't know how to summon the ocean's fury. So I'm working on sitting back and trusting. And not being a pissed off, bratty child of God while I'm doing it.