Every day is a winding road.

The new year is here. And yet again, we've just barely scooted by a fork in the road to maintain our oh-so-unstable status quo. Through these last two years, we've had more moments than I can count in which we've been *positive* that life was going to take a big turn - sometimes for good, sometimes for the worse - but in any case, maintaining our current course seemed to be the least likely option by far.

However, nearly every time, we've stayed on this strange, uncomfortable path we've been on.

And here we are again.

Rent is paid for January, which, as you'll read in previous posts, we were sure wasn't going to happen. But it did. John's parents helped us out and paid our rent... again. I'm grateful for their generosity, really I am. They've gone light years beyond any sort of duty required of a supportive parent. I am an incredibly lucky daughter in law.

But, oh man, how I hate accepting it. I hate that we're not fully independent. I hate that we're (as the people around here say) "growned assed adults" and still depending on mom and dad to make it through. And I absolutely hate that God hasn't provided in a different way. I thought for a while that maybe God was teaching me a lesson about being humble, but I'm not sure I believe that anymore.

To be honest, I haven't seen the hand of God or heard His voice in a long time. I find that I'm constantly arguing with myself about whether or not I even still believe. I mean, there's something to be said for blind faith, but the whole point of Christianity is believing in a God that gives a shit and takes an active part in everyone's lives on an individual level. I want to believe so badly, but it gets harder every day. I'll take any sort of sign, I just need something that can't be easily explained away, ya know? Proof that God is good and more importantly, HERE.

So who knows? Neither one of us have jobs yet and we don't know how rent for February is going to be paid. So another fork is quickly approaching and I'm still holding out hope that God will show up.

I hope that I can look back a year from now and stand in awe at the amazing (and hopefully prosperous) things God did and not have one shred of doubt in my mind about who orchestrated every minute of it.