Turns out God gives a shit.

I began church this evening by cussing out God. I refused to sing songs that claimed of His provision and was praying a pretty big "What the fuck?!" I was feeling pretty pissed at God for not showing up in my life. I prayed for some sort of interaction. When you take a step back, it seems like a pretty tall order to demand that the Creator of the Universe interact with you on an individual level, but damnit, that's what I needed.

And here's the crazy thing - He did. Despite my extreme doubt and anything but reverent posture, God gave me the irrefutable proof that He's around. It was just what I needed.

Greg gave the sermon tonight which is a bit miraculous because (a) he hates speaking and (b) Izzy was supposed to speak tonight, but God held him up in Washington for just long enough to make that impossible. Also, Greg let us know that God woke him up a couple weeks ago with this sermon. After trying to go back to sleep, God persisted and Greg relented, writing it down on his iPhone under the covers. I feel pretty guilty that God woke Greg up for me, but I'm grateful that he listened.

Greg spoke about unbreakable faith - even distinguishing between unshakable and unbreakable. As I sat with my arms crossed basically debating about whether or not I even still believed in all this Christian nonsense, his words went straight to my heart. Then, to illustrate his point, he spoke about the life of Job. The book of Job has been the only part of the bible that has made sense to me in the last few months. In particular, the ending in which Job essentially tells God, "What the fuck?!" and God says "Who the hell do you think you are? Did you make the earth? Didn't think so." (See earlier post for a slightly longer but equally poor synopsis.)

Greg only spoke about the first part of Job, but it was enough to get my attention. However, even at this point I wasn't completely convinced. After Greg's sermon, we sang "It is Well" which is a song that John and I have talked about identifying with.

THEN we sang "How Great is Our God". As we were singing, I was thinking that the word great didn't really represent the slightly better than good definition, but the great power of God. In the middle of the song, Pastor Larry interrupted with a word he received. He reminded us of the last part of the book of Job (surprise!) and that God was worthy of worship because he was great - not just good great, but powerful great. And that God always blesses unbreakable faith.

I feel so relieved that God spoke to me tonight. He didn't give me any answers about what's next for us, but that's okay. I think I just needed strong confirmation that it's okay to rest in faith right now. That our circumstances aren't random or without purpose. That this is where we're supposed to be and my job right now is to just believe.